


RIP

by Denrinko



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Accidental Castration, Bad Advice, Bad Writing, Confessions, Consensual Underage Sex, Crack, Crushes, First Kiss, First Time Blow Jobs, M/M, Sex Toys, Short One Shot, The Author Regrets Everything, Unrequited Crush, Why Did I Write This?, it's terrible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-07 08:17:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15904431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Denrinko/pseuds/Denrinko
Summary: Mikado has a naughty crush on someone. Izaya, thinking it's on him, gives the teen some bad advice which leads to Mikado confessing to Shizuo in a way that leaves the man scarred forever. Mikado thinks everything is ruined and that his dreams will never come true but Izaya has a creative idea to fix that!





	RIP

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pantlesschibi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pantlesschibi/gifts).



> I have no real explanation for this...it's just badly written crack...  
> But you can thank pantlesschibi for its existence lol

The sun was out and shining, the sky was blue and the birds were singing, it was a perfect day to spend out at the park just relaxing which was exactly what they were doing when the conversation started.

“I have someone I like.” Ryugamine Mikado confessed with a blush on his face, looking up at the older male with big blue eyes.

“Yeah, I know.” Orihara Izaya replied with a bored voice, his head resting in his hand. “That Sonohara girl, so what?” the man huffed turning away from the teen with a slight pout.

“N-no, I don’t like her anymore.” Mikado stuttered shaking his head and Izaya turned around lightning fast with eyes wide in excitement.

“Really? Who then!?” He exclaimed, his red eyes shining. Mikado blushed even hard and averted his eyes.

“I can’t tell you but…it’s a guy.” Mikado glanced up at Izaya. “They’re really good looking and they’re really nice to me, I think they’re really cool.” Mikado smiled, blushing all the way up to his ears as he squirmed in embarrassment.

Izaya’s heart was beating a million times an hour, it was finally happening. Mikado had fallen in love with him! “Go on.” Izaya blushed slightly with a happy smile.

“Well…I keep having these dreams about them…where we do naughty stuff. Kyaa~, it’s so embarrassing!” Mikado covered his face with his hands, burning with embarrassment while Izaya was seconds away from pouncing on the boy in the middle of West Gate Park.

Izaya wiped the drool from his chin. “So…what are you going to do about it?” he asked flirtatiously with a charming smirk. Mikado blinked,

“I don’t know, what do you think I should do?” the teen tilted his head and Izaya almost exploded from how adorable the teen was.

“I think you should look the person in the eye…” Izaya moved closer to the teen. “And tell them ‘I love you, please have sex with me!’” Izaya cheered before he sniffed, stopping the blood that threatened to drip from his nose at the thought of Mikado saying such things to him.

“Do you really think that would work?” Mikado asked shyly, looking up at Izaya with big, shining blue eyes. The informant nodded his head frantically, blood threatening to escape from his nose once more.

“Oh definitely, no one would be able to refuse, not even me.” Izaya hastily agreed.

“Really!?” Mikado leaped up from the bench excitedly and Izaya nodded frantically once more.

“I am a hundred percent sure and I’m never wrong. Be aggressive and I bet your crush wouldn’t be able to resist you, he’ll take you right then and there. You just got to make sure that you’re willing and eager to please him.” Izaya licked his lips and stood up with a predatory smirk.

Mikado blushed darkly at the thought but nodded with determination. “You’re right! You’re so smart Orihara-san!” Mikado beamed happily and Izaya pointed his nose in the air and laughed.

“I know, so-“

“I’m going to go find him and do exactly what you said!” Mikado beamed, grabbing his bag from the bench. Izaya’s eyes almost popped out of his head.

“Eh? W-w-w-wait!” he exclaimed going pale.

“I knew I could talk to you Orihara-san!” The teen slung his bag over his shoulder with a beaming smile.

“Wait, Mikado! No, I thought you were talking about m-!” Izaya wailed as the teen started hurrying away, he stopped and looked back, delivering the final blow.

“You’re such a good friend Orihara-san! I’ll talk to you later and let you know it goes!” The teen blushed before he ran off.

Tears welled up in Izaya eyes as he collapsed to the ground on his knees. “NOOOOOO! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME!?” he screamed up into the sky, making people look at him before becoming a depressed puddle of regret on the ground as he sobbed like a small child.

A lot of people got an interesting photo of Orihara Izaya that day.

 

* * *

 

Mikado hurried through the streets of Ikebukuro until he spotted his crush amongst the crowd. His face lit up excitedly as he ran towards the tall blond.

“Heiwajima-san!” he called out and the blond turned around curiously.

“Oh, it’s you kid. Hey.” Shizuo nodded to the teen with a cigarette in his mouth. Mikado’s heart thumped in his chest as he looked up at the amazingly attractive man before him.

“C-can I talk to you? A-alone.” Mikado stuttered a little, a blush gracing his face as he realised what he about to do. Shizuo tilted his head,

“I’m kinda busy kid, I’m still on the clock.” The blond frowned slightly completely oblivious to the situation but luckily his boss, Tom, wasn’t.

“Don’t worry about it Shizuo, we can handle it from here.” He said with a smug smile before grabbing a protesting Varona’s arm and dragging to Russian woman away. Shizuo scratched his head in confusion watching as his colleagues left.

Mikado looked up at Shizuo with shining eyes as the man turned back around. “What did you want to talk about?” he asked and Mikado blushed, looking around the crowded street they were on. He saw an alley not that far to their right.

“L-let’s go over there.” Mikado blushed, grabbing Shizuo’s hand and pulling the surprised man into the alley. Mikado felt nervous but he trusted Izaya knew what he was talking about. If he was straightforward and aggressive then Shizuo would happily accept him and then his dreams would come true!

They stopped when there was no one else in sight and Mikado turned to Shizuo who sighed and lit up a smoke, taking a long drag.

“So, what did you bring me here for?” the man asked slightly annoyed from being dragged through the alleyway. Mikado bit his lip, his face blushed red all the way up to his ears. He took a deep breath and looked up at Shizuo with determination.

“ILIKEYOU! PLEASEHAVESEXWITHME!” Mikado yelled, squeezing his eyes closed as he put his hands together as if he were praying.  The older man’s eyes went wide and his mouth fell open in shock causing his cigarette to fall to the ground.

He opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water. Mikado opened his eyes slowly and peeked at the older male nervously. Shizuo was completely frozen, he didn’t know if Mikado had really said what he’d said but either way he was stunned.

“W…what did you say?” he gaped. Mikado bit the inside of this lip remember Izaya’s words about being aggressive. Mikado steeled his determination and grabbed Shizuo’s shirt, pulling him down so he could smash their lips together in an awkward messy kiss.

Shizuo’s eyes bludged in shock as the teen tried his best to kiss him, it was messy and desperate. Shizuo flailed his arms not knowing what to do. Mikado tried his best, he’d never kissed anyone before so he had no idea what he was doing but he tried. He kissed Shizuo, trying to pry open his lips with his tongue but Shizuo didn’t respond at all.

Mikado pulled back, his breathing erratic as he looked up at Shizuo whose soul had surely left his body. Becoming upset that the man hadn’t responded to his kisses, Mikado bit his lip thinking about what else he could do. Tears welled in his big blue eyes before he came to a decision and dropped to his knees in front of Shizuo, unbuckling the man’s belt, and pulling out his limp dick.

“Whoa! What the fuck!?” Shizuo came back to life as Mikado licked up the length of his dick. Shizuo flailed his arms once more as Mikado went to town on his rapidly hardening dick. “What are you doing!?” the man cried, his face turning bright red.

Mikado looked up at him with big, teary eyes, Shizuo’s dick buried deep in his mouth.

“Ah, shit! Stop!” Shizuo fisted his shirt not knowing what to do. He had to stop Mikado but at the same time, it felt so good that he thought his dick was going to melt. He’d never had anything like this done to him before so he was freaking out but also really into it!

Mikado licked, sucked and bobbed his head back and forth on Shizuo’s massive cock, he was becoming hard himself at the taste and feeling of that hot flesh in his mouth. It was so good, it was so much better than Mikado ever could have imagined and he never wanted to stop.

“Stop! Please! Damn it, kid!” Shizuo cried, tears welling in his eyes as he looked down at the overly erotic sight of Mikado sucking him off and mouth fucking his dick. It wouldn’t be long before he came, he was too inexperienced and it felt way too good.

He shook his head, he had to do something before he came in Mikado’s mouth, he didn’t want to cum in some tiny teenager’s mouth! What kind of person would he be if he did that!? But it felt so good, he didn’t want it to stop!

“K-kid! Stop! Please!” Shizuo begged his knees feeling weak but Mikado just kept going, enjoying it way too much to listen to the older man’s pleas. Shizuo could feel his orgasm coming as his dick jerked in warning. Freaking out, Shizuo grabbed the teen’s shoulders.

“I’m gonna cum so STOP IT!” He was meant to pull Mikado up and off his dick but he used too much of his strength -

Mikado flew through the Ikebukuro sky like a shooting star, taking Shizuo’s dick with him.

Shizuo’s eyes widened in horror as he realised that instead of ripping Mikado off his dick, he’d ripped his dick clean off while it was still in Mikado’s delicious super suction mouth and sent them both flying god knows where Shizuo screamed loudly and collapsed in a pile of regret and tears.

“I don’t even remember what his name was!” he wailed.

Heiwajima Shizuo became physically genderless that day.

* * *

 

 

Mikado flew through the sky at record speed his eyes wide as saucers but he couldn’t scream. He wondered if he was going to die, would he die from sucking Shizuo’s dick? He should have known something like this would have happened, there was no was a stud like Shizuo would like him back.

Mikado landed on a _very convenient_ pile of used mattresses in an alleyway on the opposite side of town.

“Mikado!” Izaya yelled running through the alley towards the stunned teen.

“Unanhanya-na!” Mikado exclaimed, muffled. Izaya came to a stop in front of the teen with a confused expression.

“Mikado…what’s that in your mouth?” the man asked and Mikado reached up to take the long object out. Both Mikado’s and Izaya’s eyes became as wide as saucers as they realised what they staring at.

Heiwajima Shizuo’s dick, still hard and twitching.

“OH MY GOD!” Mikado screamed in horror. “Heiwajima-san’s dick!”

Izaya laughed and cried at the same time, “Oh my god!”

“What are you laughing at Orihara-san!?” Mikado exclaimed in outrage.

“Oh come now, it’s funny.”

“It is not! Now I’m never going to have this destroy my butt now! What about my dreams Orihara-san!? They’re ruined!!” Mikado wailed, tears streaming down his face. Izaya felt bad for the teen and wrapped his arm around his shoulder.

“Fear not! There’s a way!” He smiled and Mikado looked up at him curiously.

Izaya pulled his phone out of nowhere, already loaded to a sex toy site, “Here! _Clone-A-Willy Vibrator_ for $55!” Izaya beamed and Mikado looked at the screen with shining eyes.

“Wow! You’re so smart Orihara-san!” Mikado exclaimed happily, holding Shizuo’s dick close to his face as he stared at Izaya in admiration.

“I know! There’s a sex shop just around the corner! Let’s go!” Izaya put his phone back in his pocket with a brilliant smile. “I’ll buy you a kit and help you make it!” Izaya beamed.

“Wow! Thank you so much! You’re so nice!” Mikado exclaimed happily.

“Imafuckyouwithittho” Izaya smiled brightly and Mikado tilted his head in innocent confusion.

“Huh? What did you say Orihara-san?”

“Nothing! Let’s go!” Izaya grabbed the teen’s hand and they took off on a quest to look for a _Clone_ _-A-Willy Vibrator_ kit.

It was going to be a _very_ interesting evening.

**And so they made a dildo, had sex and lived happily ever after.**

**The end.**

**Author's Note:**

> ...the Clone-A-Willy vibrator moulding kit is a real thing...
> 
> ...they used the medium skin tone one...  
> ...But Izaya wanted the blue glow in the dark one to match Mikado's eyes...


End file.
